love and smooching

10. Discuss your first love and first kiss.

Dangit… an awkward prompt.

My first kiss is kind of a funny story, actually (even if it was more than slightly gross at the time). So, naturally, I’m going to make you read about it at the very end of the post. No skipping ahead.

First love, first love… though I absolutely question how true it was, I do think I was in love, at one point. However, I fell out of it because it was not centered around Jesus. I do think that true love lasts, but if we fail to understand that true love originates in Jesus, then we’re not going to be able to reproduce it on our own.

For Internet Identity Protection, I’m not going to say my first love’s name. If you know me well, you know his.

Despite growing up near each other (we went to rival high schools) and having mutual friends, we never met until college. And for a long time, we were friends. Aside from my roommate, he was the first person that I messaged over Facebook about school stuff. And he was one of the first people that I became friends with on campus, but I must confess, I never thought I would date him (or even like him all that much). However, due to a shared quirkiness and severe affection for Jesus, sarcasm, and road trips, we gradually became closer and closer. My sophomore year, of the four or five people I felt really close to, he was one of the closest. I grew to view him as my best friend.

I don’t think I really acknowledged that my feelings for him had taken a romantic twist until I started dating someone else right before my junior year of college. Though I was dating someone new, I would often enjoy conversations with this friend and dread conversations with my boyfriend (mostly because I was afraid we would run out of things to talk about). Despite the fact that I was dating someone else, I allowed myself to conduct “questionable” behavior with this friend (long hugs, back rubs, hanging out late into the night in our dorm rooms, etc.), allowing my emotions to reign when it came to my decisions. After about a month, when my boyfriend indicated the depth of his feelings for me, I think I panicked in my head and then about a week later broke things off. Two weeks after that happened, things got extremely complicated with my friend (we kissed) and ever since then I think our relationship struggled with a great many things, mostly because we both let our feelings rule over our common sense. This happened about halfway through my junior year of college.

Fast forward about a year and a half, where things basically continued to go back and forth between both of us. During this year and a half, I continued to let my emotions rule, and by the time I graduated and we started dating after we were out of school, I fully believed I would marry him. I thought myself to be in love, and to some extent, I think I was. Loving him forced me to learn about putting another person in front of myself, and it also made me see things about myself and how I related to another person. It also gave me HUGE insights regarding the love of God, which perseveres and continues in spite of all the horrible things we do.

But, this love could not last forever. Much as we could try to make it last in our own power, the only thing that will enable love to continue is by attaching to and then channeling its Source (John 15:5). I didn’t learn that until after we broke up in 2011.

Even though it took quite some time for there to be peace between us after the breakup, I’m thankful for the lessons he taught me while dating (and before) and the lessons the Lord taught me throughout all the mountains and pitfalls. Now that I’m irrevocably and truly in love and Jesus is at the center, the Lord has brought all of those lessons He taught me back and allowed me to apply them. I wish I hadn’t made quite so many mistakes or given up so much of my heart, but at the same time I truly don’t know how the Lord would have taught me otherwise. And so I choose to be thankful.


And now, first kiss. Long story short: It was after a date we had gone on. We were about to say goodnight, and he asked if he could kiss me. I said sure. When we kissed, he totally went for the open-mouthed kiss, and I went for the close-mouthed one, which led to me kissing his teeth and him getting spit all around my mouth. (Gross at the time, funny in retrospect.) Anyone want to guess how old I was?

ImageAlso, I didn’t make this face, but I sort of wish I had.


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